AircraftOwner Online

     So there I was, settling in to watch the first ever NIGHT airshow at Oshkosh AirVenture 2010. I was looking forward to seeing the reactions of the folks around me to this relatively-new form of aviation entertainment, having really enjoyed it myself the last two years at the Lakeland Sun N Fun fly-in.  The first acts involved aircraft with really – no I mean REALLY—bright lights fitted to them in all the darndest places.

    This year, one of my clients was the manufacturer of a kit for a new experimental aircraft who had just been negotiating with the MIDO and a DAR to obtain an airworthiness certificate in time to bring their flying prototype to Oshkosh (they made it just in time), so my legal mind turned to thoughts of what these night performers with their bright lights had to do to get permission to fly their aircraft modified in this way. I am guessing that most of these guys needed to upgrade their alternators to crank out the amperage needed to run all these lights. They may have also needed to upgrade the wiring. Depending upon where the lights were located, they probably needed engineering to show that the new mounts for the lights would not have any structural impact on the airframe, and that the lights would not blind the pilot. A little paperwork, some engineering, an inspection or two, some discussions, but overall not that big a deal.

    Then the next aircraft comes out, a bi-plane with pyrotechnics strapped to each of its four wingtips and several other places around the aircraft, and I start thinking, “How did THAT conversation at the MIDO go?” I’m thinking that it was something like this:

INSPECTOR:

“Hi Gene, what can the FAA do for you today?”

GENE:

“Well, I’ve got a little project I’ve been thinking about and I need your approval. I was wondering if you could just give me your signature on these papers here, and I’ll get out of your hair.”

INSPECTOR:

“Sure, Gene. Let me just have a little look at what it is you’ve got there.”

GENE:

“It’s really just a little cosmetic work on the ol’ Ag-Cat. Nothing you need to concern yourself about, really. It’s all totally safe. Could you just sign? I’m kind of in a hurry. You sign right here.”

INSPECTOR:

“I’d love to help you out Gene, but you know how headquarters is these days. I really have to at least look over your stuff. Let me see what you’ve got.... Hmmm. I see you’ve got some tubes on all the wingtips here, are they handholds for your wingwalker or something?”

GENE:

“Well, not exactly. They hold the Roman Candles.”

INSPECTOR:

“I’m sorry, Gene. My hearing is really shot from all those years flying DC-3s. I could have sworn I heard you say ‘Roman Candles’. What are the tubes for again?”

GENE:

“Yeah, well we need the airplane to show up better ‘cause we’re going to be flying it at night, so we are just using a little pyro to let people see where the wingtips are. Nothing major, you understand, just some fireworks to entertain the kids. Kind of like a little Fourth of July show. Sign here, and I’ll be gone.”

INSPECTOR:

“Gene, did you just tell me that you want to put EXPLOSIVES on your wings?”

GENE:

“Only enough to light up the sky for about ten minutes. It’s really no big deal. I’m really in a hurry, could we kind of speed this up.”

INSPECTOR:

“Umm, how many pounds of explosives, exactly, will be on each wingtip?”

GENE:

“I don’t know. It’s in all that paperwork somewhere. Can’t be too much. Maybe 20 pounds? Don’t really know. But they tell me it’s totally safe.”

INSPECTOR:

“And all these wires here on the wings going up into the cockpit. What are those?”

GENE:

“Oh those. Just the way we get the on-board computer controller to sequence all the pyro. Not a big deal.”

INSPECTOR:

“Don’t you have a wingwalker in your regular act?”

GENE:

“Yes, Sir, I do. Little thing. Cute as a bug, too. Wanna meet her?”

INSPECTOR:

“No thanks, Gene. I’m just kind of wondering how she feels about all these wires out there where she is supposed to be walking while you are flying her around at 100 knots. Aren’t they kind of a tripping hazard?”

GENE:

“She’s just as agile as a little monkey. You wouldn’t believe it. She loves these wires. They seem to relieve the boredom for her. Trust me. It’ll be OK. Could you just sign? I’m really running late.”

INSPECTOR:

“Gene, let me understand this. You want the FAA – me in particular – to approve you taking eighty pounds of explosives up on your FABRIC-COVERED bi-plane; that you are going to fly AT NIGHT; with a computer of some kind strapped into the cockpit; and then you’re going to send hi-intensity electrical signals to BLOW THEM UP – not once, but repeatedly for ten minutes – so that you can fly through trails of your own sparks, while performing aerobatics, AT NIGHT AT LOW LEVEL? Do I have that right?”

GENE:

“Ummm, yeah. That’s pretty much it.”

INSPECTOR:

“Seems safe to me. Approved. Have a nice day Gene. NEXT!”

    And so then, as I am really enjoying the cooler air, the music, the artistry, the swirls of light and fireworks viewed through wafting airshow smoke and exhaust, I think to myself, Charlie, you’ve got to find out the name of that Inspector. He could sure make your clients’ lives much easier.